I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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