you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
