he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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