Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
