Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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