This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
