I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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