ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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