so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
