I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
