She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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