Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
