i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
