You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
