You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Im part way to drunk.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
