If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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