I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hippo gnu deer
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
