This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
