he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
