Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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