I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
