So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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