She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
