i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
