I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
