Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
