Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
