Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
