he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
