Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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