haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
