I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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