he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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