Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
