she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
