That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
