I wish I only lived at night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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