she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
