I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
