Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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