finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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