a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
