i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
