everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
