the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
