dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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