my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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