She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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