I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
