you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
