I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
